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Tender Mercies

I would be lying if I said that this was easy.

I would be lying if I said I was totally fine.

I would be lying if I said I it doesn't sting to see gender reveals right now.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss the child growing inside of me.

I would be lying if I said I haven't been thinking about who my two angel babies are and how often they come to visit me...

I also would be lying if I said I felt broken- because I most certainly do not- I have been SO blessed through all of this... let me share some very special and amazing moments that I do not want to forget.

To start- when we found out we were expecting I was so thrilled and a little shocked- as it didn't take as long as it did to get pregnant with Decker. This was such a blessing to me (us). As those amazing weeks that my sweet child grew inside of me I was sick - but I didn't care one bit, it was a sign of a healthy pregnancy (which I now believe to be a myth)... Every day I thanked God for entrusting me with one of his children, and prayed for a healthy baby. As the weeks went on, right abound 12 weeks I kept thinking that I was so small for being 12+ weeks with my 4th baby. I even mentioned this to a few friends and family members and said "I think the baby has stopped growing, something is wrong." I had no logical reason to think this- I had no cramping or bleeding and was still feeling sick. . . Everyone was reassuring and I just anxiously waited for my 14 week appointment to hear the baby's heartbeat again and find out the gender.

Tender mercies that ensued:

- At 12 weeks when I was having these overwhelming feelings Stuart was out of town and I would have had to go through this all without him being near and he didn't even have cell service.

- Heavenly Father blessed me with the knowledge ahead of time that this baby would not ever be held in my arms... believe it or not, this is a huge tender mercy for me. . . without knowing it, I was being prepared for the awful moment that the doctor said "there is no heartbeat."

-Since we had already announced it to the world... we had to announce that we lost our sweet baby whom we already grew to love so much. As awkward as it was for me to announce on social media what we were going through I wouldn't have it any other way and here is why:

  • The amount of love we felt was overwhelming and I truly mean overwhelming and that love is still pouring in...
  • I have never, in my life, been able to feel prayers being said on my behalf, although I know they have often been said... In this case I am 100% certain that I would not have made it through that first week.... It is truly amazing to feel the hundreds of prayers being said on my behalf.... 
  • We had meals brought in for almost a week, some scheduled and some just dropped in... 
  • My house looked like a floral shop and smelled like one too- I LOVE flowers so much and they brought a smile to my face every time I saw them- and they made me feel the love that is surrounding me (and I say is- because it is always there)
  • My mom happened to be in town the week we found out - she was so helpful and I was comforted to know that my boys were in the best hands while we were in the hospital loosing our precious baby. 
  • My sisters sent me a "box of sunshine" and it was delivered at just the time that I needed some sunshine that I just sat there and cried before even being able to look through the box- just the box itself was enough to help me remember and feel the love of my family even though we don't live close. 
  • I know that Jesus had his arms around me as I sobbed the loss of my baby and I know that He has been so close to me during this time--again I know this is from all the prayers said on my behalf. 


I wish there were more words than a mere "Thank You" that I could say to everyone near and far for EVERYTHING. I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say thank you and that I could not have made it (or making it, since we are still in the middle of this) through this without every single one of my dear friends and family. I am so so so so blessed and I am SO grateful for my knowledge of the Plan of Happiness and for my faith. I know that I will get to be with my 2 babies that I have lost... and I look forward to that time.... In the meantime I will think of them often and make sure I am living my life so that I can return to them when I die. I hope they look down on us often and have a good laugh, or a good cry with us. :) I love my angel babies so much it hurts. . .

 A friend of mine shared this song with me (Angels Remembered) and is has stuck with me and it is exactly what I needed.... I love this song so much. I know that there are others out there (1 and 4) that have had miscarriages and I pray that this song brings some peace to others who have lost their babies...



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